Sunday, and a quiet day after our lovely Christmas Day with family and then the unexpected blizzard on our motorway trip home.

I woke feeling a deep sadness, a dream I couldn’t recollect? Or simply the need to feel. Whatever the reason  the day was simply beautiful. The sky, a deep blue, the air still and a thick frost over everything.

John and I set off to a local green space. It is somewhere we rarely visit nowadays but our memories are all about dogs running with the wind in their sails and revelling in the freedom. 

Once upon a time this space was a golf course and playing fields but long ago it was let to go rather wild and is actually rather beautiful. There are plans to make more of it and it’s so good to have it so close to home. My Airedales, visiting dogs and our last little mongrel all adored it. 

In my previous post I wrote of this space between Christmas and New Year as  a time when we walk, read and I take time to think. I now realise that it is also the time when I do not have to consider others in my usual way. I am not caring or teaching, I am not nurturing and holding sacred space for all the wonderful people who choose to accompany me through life. I only have myself to think about!

I have time each day to take my time. I meditate and step on my yoga mat simply for myself. Then there is always that moment when I realise afresh that this having time shoves me into an uncomfortable place, and that is putting it mildly. To have no distractions results in realisations. 

This always seems rather shocking to some who know me but without the structure of my work life I become really rather idle! Actually the truth is more painful. I need my teaching and massage work to give me a reason to get up every day. I simply cannot imagine being retired and gracefully stepping into days and days where I am not involved with others in this therapeutic way. However, I do recognise that these holiday breaks highlight the need we all have to really feel and acknowledge some of the darkness that sits deep within.

There are times in our lives when, painful though it is, we need to really feel and today that feeling was a deep, deep sadness that caused tears to fall and took my breath away quite literally! Our walk left me breathless, unbalanced and perhaps, it is no coincidence that yesterday my yoga practice was all about heart-opening! 

John and I walked and enjoyed the new look that comes when everything is covered in frosting. I also noticed that as I breathed and gazed about me I became more solid. My feet began to warm and spread even inside my boots and my mood slowly shifted. 

We were accompanied for a short while by a robin. He bobbed alongside us and kept pace and it brought to mind something I have read. Robins are often very much present when there is reason to grieve. If you lose a loved one a robin will simply be there in your garden or park or they will seek you out in a wild space and stay close. My sadness was not really easy to understand but the robin certainly brought a smile to my face.

As my lovely husband softly pointed out before we set off, being sad is part of life…..

May I wish you all well and my love to all who pop by to read my words. Thank you.

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